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The Silent Partner

So you get in a business or personal relationship, and the partner does something you don’t like, and what do you do? The relationship is so new, you are so excited, you worship them so much, you let it slide.

When something else happens, you are uncomfortable, but you let it be. You second-guess yourself, you carry on with your commitment to the relationship, to them. You give it your best, you give it all you’ve got.

And a third thing happens. Then a fourth. And with diminishing feelings, diminishing commitment, you carry on, until you start building resentment. You serve, but its not with love. Its with anger and resentment. Whenever you serve, you serve with a curse. What did I do to deserve to be in this relationship? What am I doing, suffering like this? I’d be better off alone.

It’s a logical conclusion.

Except for one thing: when someone crossed a boundary, you didn’t say anything, until that boundary became a cliff and you watched your partner walk right over it. And you did nothing about it.

And here’s the best part: they had no clue.

The relationship is dead, and your partner is at the bottom of a ravine, bewildered and weeping at the hurt.

Its neither reasonable, nor possible, for you to expect them to know what is going on with you. Especially when you seem to be fine, or claim you are fine. Unless you married a mind reader, they probably can’t. Read your mind.

Withholding information never helps anything. It is tantamount to lying, with equally deleterious effects. You didn’t tell your partner because you are afraid of confrontation, and afraid of the partner being upset. Even so, you owe it to them to at least speak your truth before its too late. Trust is not a matter of speaking when things are going well. It’s a matter of communication and redressal. That is what builds trust. Its not a static thing; trust is built or destroyed every day.

resentment-destroys-relationshipsEveryone fucks up. What is right for them might not be right for you.

Do yourself a favor, speak up. Don’t be a silent (and resentful) partner. The person you chose to be your partner isn’t a bad person. If you brought it to their attention, they would have the opportunity to change course so as not to hurt you. If you brought it to their attention and they didn’t do anything about it, you are justified in walking away. And you and they can choose to stay, or leave. But do them the courtesy of the opportunity of redressal.

Silence is not always golden.

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The N Word in Relationships: No

Of late, I have encountered a slew of personal affairs where there seemed to be a running theme.

A girl loved a boy, and he made love to her, and it was all perfect, and then he said, I can’t do long distance relationships. And she said, ‘If he had to say no, why did he touch me?’

A girl fell in love with a girl and then the other girl determined she wasn’t good for her because she was so negative all the time. The first girl said, “If she had to say no, why did she say yes in the first place to me?’

A boy fell in love with a boy. The boy was interested, then determined this person wasn’t the best fit for him in terms of a partner. The first boy said to me, ‘If he had to say no, why would he sing to me?’

Different situations, the theme, the same: you are not allowed to say no.

The next question that comes in, is ‘but why?’ Oh, I get this question comes from a wounded heart. And often, your heart will not be able to see the reason the other person offers.broken heart

‘Bullshit. That is no reason!’ Is a common response. Another is, ‘I was not given any reason that made any sense.’ Sure. To you. It made perfect sense to him/her.

So blind are we in love, I have even received the following statement from someone who fell in love with me: “How can you not be attracted to me? I am so in love with you!’ Painful as it is for me to point the obvious, but the prerequisite to someone loving you is not your love for them. It is what they are looking for.

 

Truly Asking

When you ask someone to love you back, these are the things you ought to do:

  1. Give them time. You have just presented yourself to them, give them time to regard you, and make a decision on whether or not they wish to (a) engage in that way given where they are in their life (b) YOU are the person they wish to engage with.
  2. Truly ask. Do not ask a weighted question, do not expect them to only say yes, and do not expect them to move at your pace. You have made your decision, they haven’t. They might have an ailing parent to take care of, they may have just been through a breakup, they might be dealing with bipolar disorder. You just don’t know.
  3. Whatever his/her decision, don’t take it personally. The decision may or may not have anything to do with you.
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Receive a no gracefully

At Will Employment

Even if someone in interested in you, they can say no at any time. What if you got involved with someone, and found out you can’t handle his dirty habits? What if you found out he is too volatile for you? What if you discover her commitment to her work supercedes raising a family, and that is of tantamount importance to you?

Anyone has the right to say no at any point. At the point of romance, after making love, after engagement, after marriage, at any point.

If you stay on beyond happiness out of a sense of commitment, you or s/he might become bitter and resentful.

 

Hold Harmless Clause

If they say no to you, accept it gracefully. Whether you understand the reason or no, even if they don’t tell you what the real reason is, it is irrelevant. What you do need to focus on, is this person is saying I am not the one for you.

JK Rowling’s manuscript was rejected many many times before it was accepted for publishing. All the publishers who said no, said no to over $400 million in book sales, not to mention the movies: the last movie alone earned $476 million dollars in ticket sales on opening weekend alone.

When someone says no to you, remember you are fabulous. The person in front of you can’t see that. It doesn’t mean the person in front of you is mean or stupid. Hold them harmless. Thank them, truly love them, and move on.