How to Make Love to a Woman – II

First, Do No Harm.

The first rule of love making is the Hippocratic oath. Its not just doctors who need to take it. Before you ask someone out, you need to know that you will do no harm when you get an answer you don’t like.

hippocraticIf you ask a woman out and she says no, and you are liable to hurt her, threaten her, or emotionally bully her, do yourself a favor, don’t ask anyone out.

If you are liable to bully a woman into subservience when you want something from her, don’t get into a relationship.

If you are liable to force a woman to have sex because you guys are already in bed, and you think she can’t say no that that point, you shouldn’t be in a relationship because you don’t know how to respect a woman yet.

The first rule of love is that it nurtures. Love means you lay claim to the wellbeing of the other person, and will always act in their best interest.

Love obeys. It does what its love directs it to: if she says yes, it’s a yes, if she asks you to do something, you do it (barring criminal acts, of course!), if she says no, you stop.

If you get angry when your love says no, if you want to force her into your bidding, its not love (come talk to me about it), and you are not ready to be in a relationship. If you get into a relationship in this state of mind, you will do more harm than good, and if the woman is able to, she will leave you eventually, bearing the scars of your ‘love’ on her. As will you.

How do you love a woman like that? First, you have to love yourself. Answer this for me: do you respect yourself? Do you love yourself?
I’ll talk about this in my next blog.



Helpless at the Mercy of Love

The Trauma of the Parent of an Autistic Child

In case you’re not aware: autism is a social behavior disorder. There are a few characteristics of autistic children: they will likely not know how to modulate their voice or actions, and – they are very sensitive. They often times react adversely to what they perceive as a sensory overload. To us, the noise that seems normal or routine, might seem impossible to deal with, or allow for, to the autistic child. Another significant characteristic of this trait is that it is lifelong. There is no known cure for it.

broken heartWhat this means for the parents is, they have to constantly deal with socially embarrassing situations. Both from their child, and from society. From the child in that the child might speak in a loud voice in a quiet, public environment, and attract attention, and from society, in that people might run away from the child because of the social stigma attached to special needs, particularly in India. These children, and parents, are rarely invited to birthday parties, or other social gatherings that other children are readily invited to. The parent of an autistic child feels that slight on behalf of her child, whether the child is aware of it, or not.

Another thing that these parents have to do is always be ‘on’: be constantly vigilant in case their child runs off, or tries to get out of a moving car. I know of a father who tried to keep a child from jumping out of a moving car, and got bit in the process.

These parents deal with constant emotional and even physical assault in executing their guardian duties.

Where parents of more conventional children can have down time, entrust their child to a caregiver, go watch a movie or a play, trust that their children are playing quietly, the parent of an autistic child has to be constantly vigilant, and are very concerned if they entrust their child to another, whether the child will be treated with respect and dignity, and they are also concerned for the caregiver, so s/he doesn’t suffer from burnout.

These parents also receive social displeasure. More often than not, people are not educated in terms of special needs or autism, and just assume the child is a brat who has not been raised properly, and instead of being understanding and compassionate toward the parent and child, express displeasure and censure toward them.

Besides being always ‘on’, these parents have to parent to their child for the rest of his/her life. With conventional children you know for the most part, one day the child will grow up, move out, get a job, and live an independent life. Where the active parenting timespan of a conventional child may be 21 years, the active parenting timespan of the parent of an autistic child would be around 60 years. That’s like running a marathon at sprint level.

There is one final concern I’d like to bring to your notice: the love and concern of the parent of an autistic child does not end with the parent’s demise. One of their biggest worries is: who will care for my child after I am gone?

Sometimes, one of the spouse leaves, unable, or unwilling to deal with this level of vigilance. In which case it leaves the other parent to be a single parent to an autistic child. I am currently providing somatic therapy to one such, and I cannot begin to fathom what she goes through on a daily basis.

The parents of autistic children are super parents. They go through trauma on a daily basis that is comparable to severe traumatic events, because they endure it every day for decades on end. Be extra, extra nice to them. Talk to them, talk to their child. Treat them with respect. Don’t pity them, don’t click your tongues around them. But do invite them for some coffee, and a biscuit. The universe owes them.



The Tragedy of the Touchless Divide

Women love to touch men and be touched by them. Men love to touch women and adore being touched by them. And yet, with a 1.3 billion population, we have men and women wandering around in India, desperate for love and affection, just to be held and caressed. Why?

The intimacy of a hug can make your day

The intimacy of a hug can make your day

I believe Indian men have not been adequately socialized to women so that they can touch women with honor and respect.

Today I saw a friend of mine kiss a male friend of her on the cheek with all her heart several times. The male friend, who had a beard, and had all the semblance of a macho man, accepted each kiss with a smile, and put his arm around her. She loved being in his arms. And I know for a fact that they were friends, and appreciated the trust each placed in the other. Publicly.

In my work as a somatic therapist I touch men and women very intimately. I work with their bones, and have to maneuver around sensitive areas like breasts to get at ribs, and the pelvic region for pelvic bones. Both among men and women, they trust my touch, and know it to be safe enough for them to be vulnerable in.

Our desire as human beings is often interpreted to be sexual desire. Oh, not just by others, by ourselves even. Its not. Much of our desire is for touch, intimacy, and most of all, trust. Trust that the other will not touch more than we offer, will not misinterpret this affection either physically or emotionally. We look for people who can engage with us by taking full responsibility for their emotions, and accepting what we offer them with humility and gratitude.

There are stages of emotional intelligence in terms of attitude towards women. The basic one is to think of a woman as an object. A higher one is to accede her respect as long as she fulfills your desire. A higher one than that is to approach a woman with respect, and respect everything she says, whether it is what you want or not. Even with lovers, it is critical to establish nights of non-sexual touching.

In India, comfort in touching between the genders is looked down upon, even sniggered at. The assumption is, if a man and woman touch each other in public, it is left to a (wild and perverse) imagination as to what must be happening in the bedroom. And the guy has ‘scored’ and ‘nudge-nudge, wink-wink’. No. Whole men are completely capable of holding women in their arms in safety from their sexuality. A famous Indian guru, Ammachi, knows the joy and power of hugging.

The first job of a male friend is to establish trust with a woman. The second job is never to violate it.

Men and woman can be loving, intimate friends, taking care of most of our needs as humans. We would be a much healthier, happier society for it.


Here’s to you, maama!

Not that mama. In hindi, maama refers to your mother’s brother, your maternal uncle.

These unsung heroes are brothers to their sisters. The same brothers who used to pull their sisters’ hair and run off with a week’s worth of sweets. The same brothers who would not include their little sisters in their games.

Those brothers grew up to be maamas. rakhi

When their sister’s husband died, they stepped in as the man of the house.

When their sister went through a divorce, they took in their sister with three sobbing children into their homes and provided for them for the rest of their lives.

When their sister’s children were in trouble, they gave all their money and time in making sure they got out of it; they watched over them.

When our mothers were in trouble, maamas stepped in to be our mamas. They placed us in their laps, were our ‘horsey’ and gave us rides on their backs. These massive men with their beards and broad shoulders and large hearts raised us as their own children.

Maamas aren’t the men we are used to. They are men with women’s hearts. They are maternal men.

These men have devoted their lives running their sisters’ households, raising their children. Selflessly, with no complaints.

They amaze me, these men. By the power of a simple thread, they stepped up as men and hoisted their sisters upon their shoulders, made their worries their own. They made sure their sisters or their children never wanted for anything, never felt alone or scared.

RakhiIn a sense, these men are the finest of all men: they take on others’ troubles as their own. Their hearts melt at the thought of tears in their sisters’ eyes. And they get nothing in return.

Somewhere along the way, these little boys grew up to put an arm across their sister and wipe her tears. Such is the power of the rakhi.

We, your nieces and nephews, who have grown under that tree of your love for your sister, would be lost without you.

Here’s to you, maama.


On Team Building and the Concept of the Other

All gender words are indicative and are used for each of writing, not due to specification of a particular gender

There is a penchant we have in relationships: at work, and personally. That is to ‘punish’ the Other. When he does something wrong, something unpredictable, or when he didn’t read her mind.

I’ve had my boss pull me up for not communicating enough when he explicitly asked me to reduce communication with him. I’ve had friends want to punish me. Case in point: I offered a friend something, she said no, then got upset that I didn’t do it.

The purpose of punishing behavior is to bring the person to his or her knees, to show him the error of his ways. And it works. For a while. This punitive approach however, is not without its side effects. It wears a person down, shows him that you are malicious, and willing to wantonly hurt him. For the man who truly cares, and hurt his friend accidentally or out of ignorance, such punishment can come off as extreme, and erodes love and respect. It is most decidedly hurtful, and does not help the situation; rather, leaves a searing brand of hurt that glows a warning around that same situation again.Upset

In the United States, men and women are taught to make explicit their assumptions and communicate expectations to others. Of course, expectations you didn’t know you had would pop up with devastating results. In that case, we are taught to express our expectations as a request. ‘I know you are doing your best here, and when you said/ did x, it was perhaps not the best to achieve certain results. Would you not do it/ do it differently please?’

In such a request, the partner feels respected, and her intent is not questioned. Trust is recognized and built upon.

Conversely, in an environment where men aren’t exactly taught to communicate with honesty and validate the feelings of the person in front of them, establishing the need to change behavior can be challenging.

Similarly, at jobs, the boss can assume mal-intent on part of the employee. There is a line of war drawn, there is a us-vs.-them. Employees are stupid, bosses think. Bosses are dumb, employees think, and out goes the team building classes the company paid for. In an atmosphere of differing perspectives, trust is the castle whose foundation lies in the bricks of communication, and the mortar of one’s assumptions. Also known as biases. Women don’t work hard. Men are sexist pigs. All bosses are domineering; you can’t trust them. You can’t trust anyone.

In both cases, the presumption is that hurting the other does not hurt oneself. Or the relationship. Or the ability to work effectively in a culture of respect and trust.

We all make mistakes. We all live in bubbles of ignorance where we just can’t see what the other person is saying. Sometimes it takes explaining once. I have explained concepts to direct staff under me five times, in five different ways, with her laughing in my face that I had it all wrong. It might not be easy, it might not work the first time, but punitive actions are not the solution to reach for.

The best teams are built where each person in aware of the biases s/he brings, and believe me, we all have them. A recent conversation with a Human Resources lead in a major financier revealed that he was aware of clique-ish behavior among the males in his firm where they’d band together, point to their phones, and giggle like school boys, instantly alienating the women in the department. He put a stop to that since he didn’t me ‘me-vs.-the Other’ lines in his office.

A punitive approach to ignorance is effective in the short term, the problem is, it gets old. Fast. The person receiving the punishment will quickly become inured to harsh behavior as ‘payback’, and will stop caring. The employee will stop bringing his best ideas to the firm, and will start daydreaming about other jobs where he’s respected. I don’t have to elaborate the cost of Turnover rates to a firm, and the reputation it builds along the grapevine.

Take the long way. Explain in caring, respectful ways. The person in front of you wants to please you. Enable them.